As much morbid fascination as I have for this, I couldn't bring myself
to watch it. Thankfully, someone else did.

I've also noted, with sweet satisfaction, that Doug Christie made
himself available for any team's training camp to try to drum up
publicity for this, and not one team bit.

Have fun selling purses, Doug.


http://slamonline.com/online/2006/1...n-while-watchin
g-committed-the-christies/



Friday, October 6th, 2006

Things I Wrote Down While Watching ³Committed: The Christies²

in The Links by Lang Whitaker, NBA, Columnists, Feature Too


by Lang Whitaker

Hey, someone had to watch it, right? Here we goŠ

1. BETJ is actually BET Jazz. Not sure how this show fits into that
premise, but whatever.

2. Percy Allen from the Seattle Times pops up and says Jackie Christie
is ³the epitome of the ride or die-type of chick.²

3. DC introduces himself as ³Douglas Christie² and has about as much
excitement as an avocado.

4. Doug Smith from the Toronto Star calls Jackie ³bizarre, strange,
odd.² They also show Kornheiser, Wilbon and Bryant Gumbel saying that
Jackie is nuts.

5. Jackies Mom says ³they are a team that cannot be destroyed.²

6. OK, so maybe shes not completely stable, this Jackie Christie. Three
minutes into the show, Jackie and Doug are walking through a CD store
when a young girl comes up to see if they need any help. ³He knows what
he wants,² Jackie snaps, and then adds, ³Get away from me.²

7. I guess they couldnt hire an editor, because so far its just a bunch
of clips thrown together with no story at all. In half the clips Jackie
Christie has really short hair, and in the other half she has really
long hair. Dougs shaved head is genius if only for continuitys sake.

8. First commercial break. If you thought you knew everything about the
Christies relationshipŠwell, you probably do.

9. To quote Jackie Christie, their marriage has been ³ten fantastic,
tulumptuous years.² Probably more fantastic than ³tulumptuous,² whatever
that means.

10. When Jackie and their daughter are practicing dance moves in their
living room, the daughter slips and falls, and out of nowhere a cartoon
sound effect of someone falling plays, like on Americas Funniest Home
Videos. Awesome. More ridiculous sound effects, please.

11. Jackie and Doug go through Dougs fan mail. She reads it aloud really
fast while he signs the cards the fans sent along with the letters. This
takes several minutes and feels very self-serving.

12. Percy Allen returns and talks about Doug Christies fistfight with
Rick Fox, and it becomes apparent that this show doesnt have the rights
to use actual NBA footage. Couldnt Bob Johnson make that happen? Instead
Doug describes the incident while a series of still pictures flash and
zoom across the screen.

13. Oh man. And for some reason a crude cartoon (think South Park) pops
up of Jackie Christie hanging on Shaqs back (in a Lakers uniform)
hitting him with her purse. Cartoon sound effects of a punching sound
play.

14. A fake issue of the Sacramento Bee rolls off the presses with the
entire front page a picture of Doug Christies face. The headline is
³DOUG CHRISTIE TRADED!!!² and below it says ³KINGS GUARD DEVASTATED BY
MID-SEASON MOVE.² I know this is a fake Sacramento Bee because not only
did this story not rate this kind of coverage, but Im also pretty sure
the Bee has a few copy editors to check punctuation.

15. The Christies say they were shocked to be traded, so much so that
they cried. Doug is particulary angry because he gave a lot to the
franchise. Jackie says she had to be strong for Doug.

16. Video shows them putting their Sacramento house on the market,
turning out the lights and walking out the door.

17. Welcome to Orlando! We now watch as the Christies unpack boxes in
their new Orlando home. It looks exactly like their Sacramento home.
Doug picks up and moves some sort of tabletop video game, and drops two
s-bombs as he carries it because its heavy.

18. A crew comes in to install a safety net over the pool. Doug goes out
and spends a few minutes listening to the workers explain how to loosen
the net. Amazing TV. if this show were any more banal it would be on
ESPN2.

19. Uh-oh, Jackie is ready to get this new house in order but ³were
having issues with Circuit City again.² She is not having this. Next we
see her on the phone, trying to get the installers out to put in the TV.
And then she picks up her cell and starts calling Doug, and a counter
appears on the bottom of the screen and totals ‹ get this ‹ 25 calls to
Doug. 25 calls! Then a clock pops up on the screen that reads ³11:01
a.m.² If my wife called me 25 times before 11:00 a.m., Id throw my phone
under a bus, if not myself.

20. Jackie gets the manager of Circuit City on the phone and threatens
to have them come pick up all the equipment because they cant show up in
time to fix it. This goes on until 1:06 p.m. ‹ repeated shots of Jackie
on the phone, demanding people show up to install their TV. This might
be the most boring TV show ever made. She finally says shes going to do
something else to keep busy so she doesnt get too angry. I find myself
hoping she occupies her time by calling Doug again.

21. Their TV is a 50-inch plasma Samsung, by the way.

22. Ahhh! Back from a commercial and its still Jackie Christie on the
phone calling Circuit City. At this point Im ready to go to their house
and install this damn TV just to shut her up.

23. 3:08 p.m., we are told, and shes still at it. She tells someone at
Circuit City shes not trying to hassle them (right), but they have big
boxes in the middle of their living room floor and they have little
kids, although their youngest kid seems to be 7 or 8 years old and has
only been seen once the entire show. Im hoping the guy at Circuit City
just hangs up on her.

24. Circuit City shows up at 6:08 p.m. Jackie says, ³Finally, my godŠ²
And thenŠshe calls Doug and leaves him a message to let him know the
installers are there.

25. While the guys work on the TV, Jackie sits on a couch and watches
them work.

26. When they finally get it on the wall, Jackie calls Doug to let him
know.

27. Finally, the show ends.

28. Next week on Committed, we see scenes of Jackie, angry about a woman
working at an airline counter. I am so not kidding, either.

29. Gotta be the first show ever made about someone trying to get a
plasma TV installed in their house. UnbelievableŠdid they think this was
interesting? Doug wasnt even on the show that much. Well, at least I
TIVOd it and was able to skip through the commercials.

Granville Waiters' Ghost wrote:

A team saw fit to invite Rick Brunson, Emotional Terrorist to training
camp, and left Doug Christie at home. Yeah, that's how you know you're
done in the league.

It's almost charming, in a pre-modern way, how long it took them to get
this show on the air. Doug Christie hasn't played in over a year, and
hasn't been relevant in more than two. The "idea" for this show came
out of the Lakers vs Kings rivalry. That was, what, four years ago?
Kobe and Bibby are the only guys left on their respective teams from
that time.

In an era where news networks occasionally manage to cover stories *on
the same day they happen*, it's rather quaint that the Christies
fine-tuned this one under the assumption the public would wait as long
as it had to.


This is phenomenal. I'll never forget the day when the Red Eye went to
a double-size format so it could show more of Marcus Fizer's face for
the MARCUS FIZER RELEASED!!! cover story, and then the Red Streak just
ran a picture of his bicep on the front and dedicated the whole back
cover to exclamation points to catch up. It really captured the moment
for me, just as I'm sure that issue did for Sacramento fans.